All's Farrakhan In Love And War.

Louis Farrakhan, the nation of Islam leader, has once again decided it's time to piss everybody off. Sweet Lou has hired Muhammad Aziz, one of the convicted killers of Malcolm X, to run the Harlem mosque where the slain civil rights leader once preached.

Farrakhan said he was surprised by all the commotion surrounding his choice of Aziz, considering this is the second time he's hired him.

Observers say appointing Muhammad Aziz to lead Malcolm's mosque is like giving John Wilkes Boothe Abe Lincoln's season tickets at Ford's Theatre.

People of Earth Take Heed.

Load up on batteries and don your hard hats 'cause the people who study these things say a mile-wide asteroid named"1997 XF-11" could smash a 20 mile wide crater into our beloved Earth some time around October 2028.

They also say there's no "immediate" cause for panic, unless you're still a virgin.

As the asteroid passes in front of the sun, Europe will be in total darkness, lit only by the glow of a hundred million cigarettes. But total devastation may be avoided because there is a plan.

The U.S. military will launch a top-secret rocket, whose blast will safely put the asteroid on a collision course with India, where it will go "unnoticed" among the everyday tragedies created by monsoons, earthquakes, and Union Carbide.

This scheme over-rode the less costly plan of having everyone on Earth move to China and push "real" hard.