Affects of death on children.

How does death effect children? Do they simply ignore it? Does it have a lasting effect on their lives? Do children show grief in the same way adults do? as you continue to read this essay these and many more questions will be answered.

Death effects children in many ways. Death effects them both emotionally and physically. Some common reactions children have to death are:

1. Shock: Children are usually shocked when someone dies. They won't belief it happened and therefor will pretend it didn't because death is too overwhelming. However some people are not shocked when someone dies, this usually happens when someone who has been sick for a long time dies.

2. Physical symptoms: Children may complain about feeling sick for fear that they too may die.

3. Anger: The child may be angry with the person who died, god , the doctors or themselves. They will be angry with the person who died because they left them all alone. They may be angry with god for taking the person away from them. The child could be angry with doctors for not taking care of the person. They may even be angry with themselves because they feel they did something wrong to make that person leave them.

4. Guilt: The child may feel guilty because they think they may have caused the death. The child will think that if they had been better in some way their loved-one would still be with them.

5. Anxiety and fear: The child may wonder who will take care of me now. They may fear that someone else they love will die. They may ask other people if and why they love them.

6. Regression: The child may revert back to habits they had previously outgrown as in thumb sucking or bed wetting.

7. Sadness: The child may appear to be "too quiet".

It is important to realize that children often hold back feelings when someone close to them dies so if a child doesn't appear to be showing any of these signs don't assume they're not grieving. Also it is imperative to remember these are all normal signs of grief.

There are seven stages of grief starting with shock and ending with acceptance. Some stages are vital in order for the person to get on with their lives others are short and often forgotten, the seven stages are:

1. Shock, numbness and denial:

(high level during the first 2 weeks.)

The initial feeling after a loss is often something like: this can't be happening, this isn't real, I'm just dreaming. A short period of denial can protect us mentally and emotionally from the shock we have experienced.

Behaviors may include crying, searching, loss of appetite, disrupted sleep patterns, weakness, limited concentration and emotional outbursts.

This stage is needed to progress successfully through the next stages.

2. Distortion:

(high level from two to three months)

This stage only occurs when a great loss is encountered usually a person in this stage feels disorganized and sleepy.

Behaviors include trying to live like nothing has happened, wanting to know why, restless and irritability.

3. Anger(anger turned outward):

(high level from three to four months)

In the case of a persons death it is common for the grieving person to feel anger toward the person who has died. It may also include anger against god for letting the loss occur.

Behaviors include yelling, crying, moodiness and outbursts

4. Depression (anger turned inward.)

(high level from four to six months.)

After a while anger that was first turned outward often turns into depression. The grieving person may feel guilty over being angry with other or god. They may regret past actions towards the person who died. Commonly this is false guilt that is based on the assumption that everything that happens is related to something I have done, thought or felt. Any suicidal feelings are reason for concern.

Behaviors include altered sleep, crying and hopelessness.

5. Bargaining.

(high levels six to seven months.)

In this stage a person may try to bargain with god. They may promise to do anything , if god will bring the person back.

Behaviors include intense praying, crying and hopelessness.

6. Sadness:

(high level from seven to twelve months.)

After the grieving person has accepted reality, they will feel deep sadness. As memories are brought up sadness is expressed by crying. This is the most painful stage, but just like a physical wound the pain will go away, over time good memories can be enjoyed again.

Behaviors include crying.

7. Forgiveness and acceptance:

(takes twelve to twenty-four months to stabilize after a major change)

This stage is the goal of the grieving process. Although occasional feelings of anger or sadness may recur at this point it should be possible to resume your life. If a person gets stuck in a stage of grief in spite of the support of friends and family, additional help from a professional may be necessary.

Behaviors include energy, stable sleeping and eating habits, relief from anger and increased interest for future goals.

Children as well as adults go through these stages. It is important to remember the behaviors and time periods very from person.

Helping children through death.

Children need a lot of help from their family and friends when going through grief. Hear are some tips on supporting kids through the grief process:

-Offer your quiet, supportive presence. Listening is important. If you don't know what to say that's all right. Don't say anything. Just be there with a hug.

-Encourage the child to talk about the person. Generally listen more then you talk.

- Listen nonjudgmentally. Don't be shocked by anything the child shares, even anger or guilt. Don't say things like, "you shouldn't say that" or "don't feel that way" people have the tendency to say these kinds of things to children.

- You are often only part of a support team. Don't feel to need to do everything, but don't rely on others to do things that are difficult.

-Many grieving people hear the words "if you need anything, just call" but grieving people won't call you, you need to call them.

-Overall don't worry to much about doing or saying the wrong thing. The child will be happy if your just there.

Bad explanations

Often when children are in stage 2 (Disorientation) they need to know why this person has died. Often people lie to children to shelter them as you read on you will find why some explanations are bad ones.

" They where old and tired."

The child will wonder when they will be "too old" or "too tired".

"They will sleep in peace."

The child will be afraid to go to sleep and wonder when the person will wake up.

"It was gods will."

The child won't understand why god took his loved one.

"God needed them."

The child will be bad so god wont take them.

"They went on a trip and wont be back for a long time."

The child will wonder why the person didn't say goodbye. Also they will soon realize that the person is not coming back and will think "I made them leave."

The best think to do is tell the child the truth. If a child's mom died of cancer then you say "Your mom's cancer killed her." It may sound harsh but it will bring the child to the next stage (anger) because they will be angry at the cancer.

In conclusion children are affected by death in different ways. They don't ignore it (though they may be in denial.) children express guilt in basically the same way adults do aside from the fact that they aren't as open about it and as with adults the death of a loved one leaves a lasting effect on children.