Fashion is everywhere these days. If you’re not wearing something fashionable, you’re just not cool. Most people realize this in the good old U.S.; but there are the occasional bad apples. This is where I come in. I’m here to help some of these people out with choosing fashionable attire. And what better way to show it than in snowboarding, one of the most popular sports in the world. Here I’ll show you how to choose everything from underclothing to goggles.

Most people would say that underclothing has nothing to do with fashion, it’s only meant to keep you warm. But if you really get into the sport and you want to take your jacket off because you’re hotter than a donkey’s ass in a Texan summer, you want layers underneath your coat that will be fashionable, yet still keep you relatively warm. You need to remember that you must wear warm clothing underneath your outer layers, this is what really keeps you warm. Without these warm underlayers, you could have the worst day on the mountain because you will be freezing and be crabby all day.

But the outerlayers are the fun part because they are your main fashion statements. Let’s start with the coat; your coat needs to be the best. You’ll want lots of pockets and plenty of room to move and lots of ventilation. You have to think fashion; no one likes an ugly coat. You should always pick a color that you like; however it needs to be easy on the eyes and something you can live in for a few years during the winter months. It also should be waterproof because a wet coat is a wet body, which forecasts a bad day ahead. Pants are much like the coat, something you’ll have to live in for a few years. These also, absolutely, need to be waterproof. If you sit on your ass a lot and it gets wet, that’s just another opportunity for a terrible experience. You’ll need a few pockets for money, keys or other objects that you want to have instant access to while on the slopes. Also, size is an issue. If your pants are too big, you have the danger of running yourself over, creating an extremely embarrassing moment for you, especially while you are trying to impress the girls with your fierce skills. On the other hand, if your pants are too small, you may not make it to the bathroom in time because you couldn’t move from your seat while you were enjoying your lunchtime beer.

While pants and a coat are your main fashionable paraphernalia, accessories can add to or take away from your statement. Gloves, for instance, cannot be underestimated. They must be warm and waterproof, because if your fingers are frozen, you cannot put on your board or write down that hottie’s phone number. Also choose one with a snot pad. These are for wiping your nose when it’s oozing so your snot won’t get all over your coat. While your hands are busy writing down phone numbers, keep her attention on your head with a fashionable hat or beanie. Choose one that is thick for warmth and make sure it is in compliance with your coat and pants. If you have a red coat, fluorescent brown pants and a bright yellow beanie, people will be talking about you and the hot chicks will think you are a dork, so then it won’t matter if your fingers are frozen because you’ll have no numbers to write down. In order to scope out the ladies, you’ll need your vision to be intact. Goggles are one of the most important objects for snow-loving people. Picture yourself going down a hill faster than a wild goose falling asleep after being shot with a tranquilizer dart. That’s fast enough to make tears come out of your eyes and onto your beanie and freeze into little icicles on the side of your head. Now imagine not having your goggles, your eyes are dryer than the Moab desert. Goggles won’t prevent tears shooting out of your eyes; however, your eyes will be able to stay at a normal and constant moisture level. These really are worth the money so you not only need to look around for something that looks cool, but performs well in protecting your eyes.

Overall, fashion rules on the slopes. You must start from the inside and work your way out. Keep yourself warm with underlayers, however, make those layers fashionable. Make sure the coat, pants and beanie all somewhat match. Mittens and goggles are essential. And make sure the mittens you buy come equipped with that snot rag. Keep in mind that what you wear can make or break your day. If you look like a complete fashion victim, the ladies will want nothing to do with you. This can result in an inharmonious experience between you and the white moisture on the mountain. So choose your wardrobe wisely, it may greatly affect your little black book entries and waste all of Daddy’s precious money.

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