I am a frat guy. I live in a frat house. I go to frat parties. I fight. I especially like to fight independents. If independents were cool, they would have pledged a frat in the first place. I know that I am more fun and can party harder than any Sigma Chi. I am exclusive. I run dances. I am the brains behind Spring Break. I am the reason road trips exist. I hope you enjoyed my homecoming party last Friday. I can recite the Greek alphabet before the fire of a match burns out. I can rattle off all of my founding fathers as well as my fraternity obligations, but I don't know the words to my school song or my accounting profs last name. I don't go to class. I never study. I devise elaborate schemes to cheat on my exams. I don't buy books. I have a low GPA. I have an endless supply of doctor notes from the campus health center. I am thankful that my frat buddies will get me a job after graduation because I know that I can't get one on my own. I give more than $1000 of my parents' money in social dues each year to promote my frat's alcoholism problem. I drink because I am cool. I drink a lot because I am cooler than you. I serve alcohol to minors. I urinate in public. I do keg stand and have keg parties. I am the master at indians. I own you in quarters. I have never not drunk in the game "I never." If I can't find my beer bong I know I can find one next door. I don't binge drink-I continually drink. I have a pre-party for the pre-party. I can dance. I wear my letters. I

billboard my frat on sweatshirts. Most of my T-shirts are frat T's from frat parties. I wear long sleeved T's under short sleeved T's. I own many plaid button downs. I tuck in the front and let the back hand out. I own one baseball hat. I live in my khakis. I wear Timberlands in the winter and sandals in the summer. Sometimes, I wear sandals in the winter because I can. I drive an SUV. I play with my dog on the front lawn. My hair is a mess yet totally in style. I sometimes don't shave for weeks at a time. I am vogue. Ladies love me, but more importantly, I know ladies love me. I will never commit to just one girl. I don't wear condoms because it doesn't feel as good. I believe a girl gives up her right to say no if she is in my frat house after 1:30am. I am shady. I don't care what girls have to say. I only care about me. I will say anything to get a girl into bed. I will say even more to get a freshman girl into bed because I know she'll believe me. I am a player. I am loud and obnoxious wherever I go in public. I live in filth. I enjoy the smell of old beer in carpet. I prefer a dingy frat house to a clean apartment. I think living among rodents builds character. I leave the seat up. I can't clean up after myself. I put on a good front for parent's weekend. No one can see through me. I know every word to every song by Willie Nelson, David Alan Coe, and the Grateful Dead. I will sing them for you if I haven't picked you up by night's end. I can't remember my parent's home phone number, but I do know every digit to their calling card number. I haze my pledges. I make them eat and drink things you would not imagine. I make them clean my house. I emotionally scar them for life. I abuse them physically. I make them cry. I then call them wimps. I later call them my brother if they don't de-pledge along the way. I know hell week. I am everything that you wish you could be. I am a Frat Guy!

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