Essay, Research Paper: Communication Between Men And Women

Communication between Men and Women
As everyone knows by now, there is a difference between a man and a woman’s outer appearance. What some people do not realize is that a man and a woman are also different in communication techniques. Generally speaking, men and women fall into two categories when dealing with communication techniques. When men talk, it is for giving information. Deborah Tannen says this informative speaking is “report-talk.” “Report-talk” as defined by Deborah Tannen is “public speaking.” Women on the other hand, use “small talk” to communicate. “Small talk” is a conversation which is usually considered to be short and meaningless. Deborah Tannen states that this communication technique of women is “rapport-talk.” “Rapport-talk” as defined by Deborah Tannen is “private speaking.” This essay will discuss the following: (1) How Deborah Tannen and John Gray are similar in respect to their views on communication between men and women (2) how Tannen and Gray are different in their views on communication between men and women (3) the effects that result from these different types of communication (4) which essay is in agreement with my personal opinion and (5) the suggestions about communication from the essay.
Deborah Tannen and John Gray are two authors who have many similarities. One similarity is the fact that both authors notice that men and women do speak differently. Tannen suggests that the way that men and women communicate is something that is learned from the early stages in life. “From childhood, men learn to use talking as a way to get and keep attention. So they are more comfortable speaking in large groups made up of people they know less well-in the broadest sense ‘public speaking.’” “From childhood, girls criticize peers who try to stand out or appear better than others. People feel their closest connections at home...”
Both authors realized men and women have different ways of talking. However, their views on the communication techniques are different. Deborah Tannen suggests that “For most men, talk is primarily a means to preserve independence and negotiate and maintain status in a hierarchical social order.” Deborah Tannen also suggest that women talk when “...with one or a few people they feel close to and comfortable with...” John Gray however says “To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives and metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they misunderstand...they commonly react in an non-supportive manner.”
John Gray believes men use speech as a way of conveying facts. Women tend to look for support when they are talking, but do not ask for it; they feel the request is well implied. John Gray also theorized that “...when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to his ‘cave’ to works things out.” Men are unable to express their feelings as well as women and this is why they go into a cave. Also men do not want to worry their partner. Men try to make their partner happy. Men think that their partner will be happy if they do not have to worry about the man. Women tend to believe that you can never abandon a friend who is upset. It doesn’t seem loving to abandon someone when they are upset. Women instantly want to support men in the way they want to be supported, her intentions are good but it is counterproductive. Men show love by not worrying.
Gray says women talk because of these four reasons,
 To convey or gather information (this is generally the only reason a man talks)
 To explore and discover what it is she wants to say (he stops talking to figure out inside what he wants to say. She talks to think out loud)
 To feel better and more centered when she is upset. (He stops talking when he is upset. In his cave he has a chance to cool off.)
 To create intimacy. Through sharing her inner feelings she is able to know her loving self. (A man stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of himself.) (Gray 22)
Deborah Tannen’s view on communication between men and women is from a more realistic viewpoint, mainly because Deborah Tannen uses examples that everyone can relate to. She uses examples from Anne Landers, a women’s discussion group, and she also uses an example from the comic Blondie. The essay by Deborah Tannen does suggest that men and women have two different types of communication. The communication that men use is to give information and the type that women use is to become intimate with someone. Women find speaking as a necessity for every relationship and men find it an invasion of privacy.
Both essayists were in agreement in some ways, and in some ways disagreed, but the major point of both essays is that men and women communicate in different ways. Men and women not only dress differently, they relate differently because of their different communications techniques, and sometimes can seem like they aren’t even in the same conversation. With all of these communication differences, it’s amazing that the human race has survived!



Bibliography


WORKS CITED
Gray, John. “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” Writing the World. Ed. Marilyn Moller. Boston, Massachusetts. Bedford/St. Martin’s, 2000. 8-16.
Tannen, Deborah. “ ‘ Put Down That Paper and Talk to Me!’ Rapport-Talk and Report-Talk.” Writing the World. Ed. Marilyn Moller. Boston, Massachusetts. Bedford/St. Martin’s, 2000. 16-25.


Word Count: 869