Essay, Research Paper: Satirical Essay On Drinking And Driving

Brian Van Eman
Senior English
Satirical Essay
12/14/1999
Alcohol A nectar of the Gods. The taste is pure satisfaction. It is advertised everywhere and sooner or later you are bound to try it. Just the smell of it can cause some lucky alcoholics to begin salivating at the mouth. Alcohol can lead to the wonderful world of addiction. If you are one of the selected few, you could become an alcoholic very quickly. Upon becoming an alcoholic, your life is bound to fall into place. Everyday will be packed with free time. Free time to drink all day and do as you please because you have most likely been fired from your job by now. If you are still working, just keep going in half tanked and hung over. The supervisors tend to really love this. Alcoholism can possibly make for tight funds. So drink cheap beer and get some rich, alcoholic friends to support your habit with.
If you want to experience something totally euphoric, try driving under the influence. Driving gets much more interesting with blurred vision. If the cops catch you drinking and driving, they will haul you off to jail and lock you up in a cell for the remainder of the night. It s kind of like staying in a motel if you think about it. If you have a chance to escape the law, put the pedal to the metal because they usually end up confiscating all your stash and a lot of beer money. My only tip is drive after each night out because you know what they say, practice makes perfect. Also, if you are a person who likes to change cars frequently, drinking and driving provides the perfect opportunity, because you bound to hit a telephone pole or two. Being an alcoholic is one sure way to get the women and be proud of yourself. Girls really get into the staggering and bad breath. Girls think it is really great when you need them to lean on, preventing you from falling to the floor. And if a girl smells alcohol on your breath you can bet they will be standing in line to make out with you that night. The glossy, red eyes from being drunk let girls know that you are really into them and think they are the most beautiful thing on the earth. Being drunk often brings words of wisdom and the best out of everyone. It is almost guaranteed that you will wake up in the morning and be so proud and pleased with everything you said and did the night before. Another great thing about drinking is when you fall asleep you will sleep better than when you were a baby. You know you ve reached the ultimate goal of any alcoholic when you like to drink alone just as much as with others. Drinking alone makes you so independent. Drunks set many good examples and hold moralistic values. It could be said that your typical drunk could be any model American. With so many great results from drinking, I can t understand while anyone would hesitate to start.
Drinking stimulates physical implications on the body. Waking up the next morning after a long night of drinking with a hang over is the perfect reason to start drinking again. That pounding headache and nauseated feeling is enough to drive anyone to tip back a bottle of booze. Without another beer, it could be hours before you walk straight again. Repeated drinking episodes with hangovers will eventually lead to interesting internal defects. Topping the list would have to be dead brain cells, and a liver that refuses to work. You will know you fit into this category when you can t spell your name you are scheduling your dialysis. Alcohol s affects over life are constant. From immediate results emplified through hangovers to lifetime disorders, it makes visiting the doctor a guessing game.
When you feel your life is coming to end due to the affects of alcohol, don t fret, because you will have known you lived life to its fullest. The biggest legend of all would have to be the man that died of alcohol poisoning when he got up to see who was at his door. It was the Alcohol Anonymous group. He sure showed them. I hope that you now understand all the benefits that come from being an alcoholic. Please drink for the well-being of yourself, because beer isn t just for breakfast anymore.